If you ever find yourself standing on the brink of an apocalypse there are a few
things you should remember if you wish to stay alive. Here are some tips to take note of:
STOCKPILE, don't stop at four gallons of water, ten cans of Spam, and a box of
Twinkies (even if they have a shelf life of two-thousand years). Remember, Armageddon is no reason not to have a balanced
diet. Don't underestimate things you don't think you need, like your wife's immense handbag collection that she can't live
without. Leather is an excellent source of protein. One of the most important things to have among your hoard is a can opener.
No use having seven hundred cans of green beans if you can't get into them.
Now that we have your nutritional needs met, lets think on what else you might need. Fire starting implements
are always helpful for cooking, heating, or even entertainment purposes. Speaking of entertainment decks of cards and board
games are great to have around. Old fashion entertainment, no electricity required. For everything else make sure you have
a lot of batteries. They make battery operated everything now and we all need our gadgets to keep the worms of insanity out
of our squirley little brains.
Because you'll never know when you might need to make a getaway from a mob of looters, religious activists,
or mindless flesh eating zombies, fuel should also be on hand. Best to be prepared.
It is also pertinent to keep around a few things to barter with, you would not imagine how much a carton
of cigarettes is worth when cornered by a nicotine deprived anarchist gone mad from lack of anything better to do. Mosts horribly
vise inducing devices will do; tobacco, alcohol, smutty magazines, chocolate, whatever.
Personal hygiene should not be ignored for any reason including a state of world war. Keep your stock
up on soap, shampoo, deodorant, and razors. Just because the world is falling apart does not mean you have to smell of funk
on a regular basis. Toilet paper should be treasured more than gold. Any one who's ever mistaken poison ivy for a potential
wiping tool will understand. As for the rest of you trust me on this one. And in the words of one of the greatest novelists
ever to live; “always know where your towel is”.
BUILDING AN ARSONAL ideally, you would want to keep a few hundred hand grenades,
smoke bombs, and maltolve cocktails in with your Uzis, bazookas, and AK47s. However unless you have really good contacts with
either the military or mafia thats kind of out of the question. More realistically you should invest in at least one long
range weapon for each able bodied person in your party. This is not by any means saying that you should equip your three year
old nephew with a sawed off shotgun. Be reasonable if you have a hundred pound woman and a big burly man don't give him a
22 and her a black market carbine Uzi with a kick that could throw a bear.
Guns have never been my favorite violent bloody death causing instruments. They have one major flaw not
to be taken lightly. You could have an arms stash that would put money hungry warlords to shame but one day you are inevitably
going to run out of bullets. Bladed weapons however, do not require ammo and are therefore longer lasting and just as effective
in causing horribly violent bloody death. I would not discount the usefulness of a few cross bows either. While they do require
ammunition you can load a cross bow with pencils,forks, or pointy sticks, much more economical.
Now we can't leave the kiddies out even if I don't recommend an army of tommy gun toting toddlers. Sling
shots are a classic child friendly weapon. Just load them appropriately, according to the enemy under fire. Who knows what
that could be. Silver for werewolves. Garlic or holy water for vampires. Sharp rocks for the ever popular zombies. Any thing
you think will work. Being part of the action helps keep them occupied and is a great way to get exercise.
